![]() ![]() ![]() I was the Queen of overdoing and overgiving, which I just viewed as love and kindness, but in actuality, it was me drawing a sense of self-worth and identity from the help I gave to others. I always thought my desire to be a part of the solution to someone else’s problem was because I never wanted people to feel alone. I ticked 16 out of the 17 signs of codependency listed on the “ Codependency puzzle piece.“ I just thought I had an obsessive personality and considered myself to be a super loyal person who always considered others. I soon discovered I was highly Codependent! Before that moment, I had never even heard of Codependency. In an attempt to avoid depression road, I started to became a bit of a self help junkie. I began to feel completely detached from myself, and I knew where that road would take me… Down a road that I had gone down one too many times and was not willing to go down again. What I was feeling on the inside did not match up to my external world.īut this feeling was nothing new it was just heightened due to the cancer treatment. I felt as if no one truly understood me, and yet I had constant messages and gifts that summed me up perfectly. I felt like a weight had been lifted.ĭuring the first few weeks that followed my diagnosis, I felt alone and yet I was surrounded by so much love. The idea of not having to be perfect and always available sounded like a dream come true! I could breathe a little and not be judged for it. My cancer journey lasted exactly 220 days (I was so lucky to have caught it early), and in that time, I had plenty of time off work and from my social life-time off from being the perfect employee, the perfect friend, the perfect family member etc. Now it is quite clear that being relieved you have cancer just so you have an excuse to take a break and not feel bad about it, is a massive problem. Relief that this was a great excuse to finally slow down and take a break. The tears just poured out after that.īut there was one brief moment when I felt a sense of relief. I held it together for most of it, right until she told me that the chemotherapy might affect my fertility. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office feeling pretty calm as she told me the news. Life will be perfect when I meet the right person, have a perfect house and the perfect body etc… The list went on and on.Īt the age of 29, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a rare form of blood cancer. Deep down, I thought, if I just kept powering through, things would suddenly work out. However, on the inside, I was a travel guru who still lacked a sense of self and inner happiness. From an outsiders perspective, I had a perfect life! Fast forward 8 years and I had been blessed enough to visit 21 countries. ![]() 21 years without any travel adventures had me thinking that a life of travel is what was missing. If you had asked most of my friends, they probably would have told you that I was one of the happiest people they knew.Īt 21 I packed my bags and relocated to the UK. I experienced severe depression over the years but became an expert at hiding it. ![]() I did all the things society expected of me and put myself in the perfect little box. I spent the majority of my teen years and 20s chasing money and my idea of happiness. I always felt as if I understood everyone around me, but no one understood me. I grew up as a timid child and have spent most of my life feeling a little lost and misunderstood. I thought I would introduce myself and let you know why A Puzzled Mind has been created. ![]()
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